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The green monster always existed in my life. From the earliest time I can remember, the green monster existed under my bed, in my closet and even in my Barbie case. I have even seen the green monster's image within my own mother's face. And now it exists in my brain.
You see, the green monster isn't just any old green monster. Not like the germ guys that belong to the posse of Mr. Yuck. Not like the zombies or Godzilla in the Friday night horror picture show. My green monster takes on a couple different forms. 1. He is a killer. 2. He stole my mother and took over her mind. 3. He is a baby stealer. 4. He is destroying my mind.
Let's take this one at a time.
1. He is a killer: Well, it all started in 1976 when my godfather Charlie Brubaker died. He was a funny man to me and was memorable. 1978, my beloved grandmother, Thelma Helena Bachman Bostic passed away. 1985, my precious precious Daddy died. 1988, my first born child, Dolores Colleen Baughman... (nicknamed Dee-Dee) died. 2001, both of my maternal grandparents, John Melsom and Gladys Gentzler Melsom Condon died. Yes, I know what you're thinking... death is a natural part of life. It happens. Well not the way it happened to me.
2. He stole my mother and took over her mind. Gosh, don't even know where to begin on this one. Maybe I won't even bother. I just know that when I would look at her when she was doing the things she was doing to me, I seen the green monster. I disconnected, because I didn't want to see my mother doing those things. And when she said the things she did, even as most recently on New Year's Day which was the most traumatic for me ever in my life, except for the time she told me that when she married my father; she did not love him, I always see the monster.
3. He is a baby stealer. Most of you know what happened with that situation. I lost my 2 babies. Ripped out of my arms by people again that I was supposed to be able to trust... the police. This was when I learned for a fact, there is no justice, that I cannot trust anyone. I was taught by my father that I was to trust policemen, firemen and school teachers, counselors.... yeah right. I told them about my mother when I was young, they didn't believe me... and then the policemen came and took my babies away and the big Judge without talking to me, decided to take them forever.
4. He is stealing my mind. The monster never left me. I believe somehow that he is generational. Not sure which side, maybe parts of both. Considering all my parents both went through as children. Both of their lives destroyed one way or another, with one coming out of it very ill but kind and loving; the other coming out of it quite bitter and mean... taking it out on every one around her. I still see the monster. I certainly did on New Year's Day. When my mother proceeded to call my unborn grandchild a bastard and then told me that my father was a bastard as well. Telling me that she wishes and really wanted an abortion with me. That she specifically did not want any of us children, that she had us because Daddy wanted us. That we only caused her pain. When she told me about my father, that is when I lost it. I wailed as if a small child who lost their parent. No one talks about my Daddy that way. Especially the one he married and loved, treated her like gold, he thought she was everything... his treasure box. The monster came and took him away, leaving me behind to her. Now the monster has spread to me, since he killed my father. He is now trying to overtake my brain and make it into nothingness. He has a description: Big, green, warty, 3 eyes bulging, ooze coming out from the nostrils and flames shooting out of the pointed ears. Wrinkled skin, kind of aged, dinosaur teeth that when clenched fit perfectly together. When the monster opened the mouth, I seen Hell. Literally. I seen fire, children in rags screaming for their mummies and daddies. Pulling themselves up, or trying to... onto burning logs to get out of the river of fire. People who were unwanted, mentally challenged; all trying to get out of the pit. When he laughed, I heard my mother's laugh. Spoke with refrains of the song "Anything you can do, I can do better". The same song my mother sang to me for years after I even first remember hearing the monster sing it.
Yes, I know he is taking over my brain. I feel the ooze covering it, like honey on a stick. Making it hard for me to remember things, to get things done. Taking my moods and swinging them like a bat at a Little League ball game. Never knowing how I am going to feel when I wake up. Some days, I wake up feeling so good, loving life, loving my family... knowing what I am going to do that day and accomplish much. And then the next day, I could wake up and feel sluggish. Not wanting to be bothered, seem agitated, depressed, confused, can't remember what I wanted to do. Always tired. Yes, definitely. Am supposed to take an hour nap every day, but I feel lazy if I do that. I don't want to be lazy for my husband and children.
Lately, I have been having trouble completing tasks. Or getting many things done in one day like I used to. Now, I get a couple things done and literally I am done. I want to pass out. I don't though, I keep pushing until it is done. But I see it slipping away. Sometimes, I feel heat in my head. And it feels like it is traveling and that is when I think, it's his ooze... destroying my brain cells; like he is on Parade. He is chiseling at my brain, like a wood master. By the time he is done, he thinks there will be nothing left. I am trying to beat this thing. I want to be like David and Goliath. I want to beat the monster. Kill him before he reaches my children. I already know he got to my brother Jim. How dare he. He did not attack my mother, because it is rare for a monster to attack another monster. Or to attack themselves. The green monster and my mother are thriving off of each other. They might get me at the end, but one thing I do know, if it is generational... I am already breaking the cycle of my mother. My daughters will be good mothers. And as for the green monster; maybe he will die with her.
