A Mother's Thoughts

  I have been told last night that there is no reason for tears. No need to cry. I have a message for everyone involved in the situations that I am facing. I am giving this message in the most respectful way I possibly can. Here is my message and hear it loud and clear.
  Do not cottle me or treat me as a child. I am a grown woman. I am a Mother, a wife, a sister, an Auntie and my newest role in life that I grasped so endearingly is of Grandmother. Do not tell me I cannot cry or no need for tears when I see my children after I have not seen them for awhile. Do not tell me they are in a better place because of me and the so called instability in our home. Stability is the responsibility of each person in the home. Not just the parents. When a child becomes a teenager and an adult, they must carry that same responsibilty as the rest of us. What choices my children made when they were at home, were their own. If they did not get done what they needed to get done, it was their own doing; not ours. Money, stability.... words thrown at me. I believe that my children were in a stable home, especially you Danielle, because of who you are. You did not become who you are by yourself. I raised you. For you to be the well rounded, articulate, smart and respectable person you are was not just blessed on you by the Holy Father. Your father and I were given a gift by God,  a seed if you will, and it was our job to cultivate this seed into a magnificent flower that will continue to blossom over time and will be unique, one never to be recreated. Even an artist cries over their masterpiece, a musician when they play their first piece with a full fledged orchestra sheds a tear or two, in pride of a job well done. We, as parents, are not allowed to show any emotion, to show we miss our children, by shedding tears, because we are bubbling idiots... we are immature people. What are we going to do when you reach college time and leave? We have been asked that... well, it is all said and good about that because it is different than how this all happened and quite frankly you know it.
  Money... it's the root of all evil. My father always told me that and it is true in the most truest sense of the word. It destroys families and people. Sure, it's nice to be able to buy things and have a little money in your pocket... ( I honestly don't know what that feels like anymore) but money is nothing when you no longer respect or lost respect of your family. If I were rich, had a big mansion, fancy car and please a maid... definitely a maid (I need a maid), I would give it all up in an instance and here's why. I had two parents. One I loved so much and I lost him in death at a early age. And a Mother, who doesn't love me or want me. Who has abused me in so many imaginable ways and still continues to do so to fulfill her own insecurities. I could never regain my Father's life, but I would give everything I have, even now, for my Mother to tell me she is proud of me. That she loves me truly for who I am. Moving away, going to college, getting married, having kids... it doesn't matter; because no matter how old you kids get, you will always one day wish you could go home just one more time to that old, musky smelling, unstable, no money home. It's where the heart is, it's where there is unconditional love. For a parent to be treated as Danny and I have been in the past few weeks is unimaginable. It is a watermark for our future, our children already telling us how it is going to be, or how would you like to see us such and such... would you like that??? Oh, how so condescending to parents who raised their children to be spoken to like that. We know that our lives are bookmarked for nursing homes as soon as possible... it's obvious.
 Do I want or expect my children to live with me the rest of my life. No. Simply put. Sure, I know you kids don't believe that, but that's ok. I am used to that too. The fact is, I am looking forward to renewing my marriage and moving on with my husband. It is the way you children left. All of you. Out of anger, frustration, what ever you want to call it. Then when you all leave, you say "I'm doing what's best for me." Well, that's groovy and all.. but it is not respectful of the ones who raised you. It is not taking into consideration how the other person feels. Yes, the cord was cut at birth, but you are MY children and you will always be my children no matter how old you get or how any of you act, right or wrong. A Mother's love and feelings do not stop simply because you become of age, or because you suddenly think you know more than us, or that someone else can provide better and give you a more stable home and in Anneliese's case... well... she's just way out of control and has lost my most deepest respect for her. Things will never be the same between me and her again. I will forgive because it will make me feel better and be able to move on, but I will not forget what she has done to me with her friends and boyfriend... I highly doubt if I will ever see her again in my natural life. But, I will always love her. One should never move on and leave in anger or upsetness. It is a bitter separation only satisfying the needs and wants of the children and the parents are being put aside to make things better between the child and parents. I have been told it's better for me and Danny. Who makes that assumption? Because that is what it is... an assumption. How does children of the tender ages of 17 to 22 think they know better for their parents? Hell, even their brains are not fully developed yet until they are 25 years old. (Which mostly accounts for Anneliese's misjudgments and stupidity in her life, the other part is by whom she was raised by)... just sayin'.
  Oh, I know that Danny and I are rough around the edges. But you show me a perfect home and then we'll talk. Yes, I realize we lack the normality of what my children would prefer... but I don't care. I am who I am and that's all I am. Yes, I name my appliances... (Amos the dishwasher, Mary Catherine the front loading washing machine, Harry the dryer, Susie the mixer....) but it's fun. And life is supposed to be FUN. Yes, my husband's language and dry humor can get out of hand, no kidding... but it will bite him in the butt eventually and maybe he will quit... but it sure beats having a drunk coming home to beat me every night. He doesn't do that and he doesn't do drugs and NO ANNELIESE, he is NOT schizophrenic... sorry to burst your bubble. He has bipolar and quite frankly, not to many people don't have bipolar these days anyways. And with me and my OBS, I think differently than other people who are so called normal. We are in no way trying to say we are better than anyone else. All we are saying is that you are our children, we love you all. We would appreciate respect, not being talked down to like children or like we don't understand, and we would appreciate being able to be taken serious, be allowed to give advice on life and not looked down on, because believe it or not; Danny and I know what we are talking about. We are not backwards. We are twice your age and then some and lived more harsh things than you kids even really know.
 So, bottom line, if you can't show us respect and you want to be adults, fine, then act like it completely. It is not respectful to move out, ignore your parents because you don't want to hear it or whatever, for days on end and have no contact for a length of time. It would be nice to hear from our kids more often than not, instead of us sitting here wondering what is going on, especially with a 17 year old who honestly wasn't legally able to leave, but we gave you our blessing after you leaving in anger so that in hopes it would divert the chances of making you stay here and cause much upheaval. What we got was going for a week to a summer and then who knows what. Trying to call and see what's going on, phone calls, texts not being returned until it is at your convenience. The other child only calls to threaten us when we provided everything for her and her son. Tell me how this is right, any of it. Tell me again how I am not to feel any emotions.... to not feel like we have failed. Because Danny and I agreed we have failed, because if we didn't, you wouldn't be with another family where I am told as of last night how you are thriving. Tell me how we are not to take that personally. Explain to your Father why we only have a small window in your world and only get a glimpse of how well you are doing by little reports given to us by you or the other family.
  Provide your own things that we currently pay for you, show respect and gratitude for what we have done, appreciate us for who we are and stop trying to change us and tell us we need marriage counseling because we don't. Do not try to talk to us about marriage when you have your own relationships to deal with, mine lasted so far nineteen years. I remember having a conversation with one of my children just the other day; who seemed to think in order for me to get my SSI back I should divorce my husband as Social Security had suggested as one of the ways to earn my SSI back. What a horrible thing to say when in this day and age, marriage is not even respected anymore. Again, money is the root of the issue. There is no amount of money that could ever be offered to me, not even millions or trillions that could make me sacrifice the act of the  holy state of matrimony that I took on 19 years ago with my husband. I would rather live under a bridge with that marriage license then have a divorce decree over my door. The act of divorce in that situation would be a sinful act against my children, giving them no sense of devotion, committment or responsibility. To denounce my vows for the sake of money is demeaning to my husband and children both, not to mention God and myself. To say that I could still live with him and not be married, I would not feel complete. I am proud to be Mrs. Daniel Johnson and don't any of you forget it. I expect my children to respect my marriage and realize that though everything we have been through, nothing can break that bond of marriage we have together.
 Well, I think that is about it for now. I am strong, although I may not always show it, my marriage is strong, although it may not always look like it. I take pride in the fact that God gave me emotions, He made me human and to be able to feel and with out that, you are not able to feel what others feel. Compassion and respect does not exist in people who do not have emotion. As Jesus was hung on the cross that day, He cried... He cried to His Father..... and he was a grown man too. Think about it.